CHAPTER 13: no. 090 [the funeral 2: famous last words...]

"Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance

Now I know

That I can't make you stay

But where's your heart?

But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know

There's nothing I can say

To change that part

To change that part

To change...

This is it. The scene from my nightmare. The fire, the stage, the band. Everything fit perfectly. This is the end...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow

But can I speak?Well is it hard understanding
I'm incompleteA life that's so demanding I get so weak

A love that's so demanding

I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living

I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

It was as if the band were playing for my soul. This was my end, this was the beginning of my own personal black parade. This was my death...

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright

'Cause I'm out here
On the other side

Of a jet black hotel mirror 
And I'm so weakIs it hard understanding
I'm incomplete

A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

...and like that, I knew this was it. The band, the fire, the stage, everything was set. It's the end from my dreams, but in my dreams I never reached the final stage, I never got to see what happens next. Flashbacks, familiar scenes, parties, churches, hospitals...

These bright lights have always blinded me

These bright lights have always blinded me

And like that I was back there, at the beginning, next to a hospital bed, given my second chance...this is the end...

I say...

I see you lying next to meWith words I thought I'd never speak


(How can I see, I see you lying) 'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying) With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying) Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying) Asleep or dead

It all made sense. And at that moment, in that second, everything was clear. Everything, everything, no matter how horrible, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how life altering it is, every last thing happens for a reason.

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak

And there I was, in the hospital, ready once again. I know what I need to do, even if it kills me.

Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

But now I'm ready to live with it. So I say my goodbyes, kiss her one last time, and get ready, because...

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)

Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven

Nothing you can say can stop me going home
(Or dead)

It was time to let go. Let go of the past, let go of what I couldn't control, let go of everything I would have done differently if I had gotten the chance. The only thing I regret is that I never got that explanation, and perhaps I never will. All that I really know is that it's time to move on, it's time to leave this yellow brick road behind me. And with that I was back in the church, knowing damn well that this time around, the services were for me, and the only person who can save me now is me, and...

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going
HOME

and as the flames consumed all that was left behind, the band played on...