CHAPTER 12: no. 089 [forgotten dreams (sleep)...]

"Sleep" by My Chemical Romance

Sleep, rest of things, O pleasing Deity,
Peace of the soul, which cares dost crucify,
Weary bodies refresh and mollify.

It feels as if I've been thrown back in there. Sometimes the dreams feel so real, as if I get a second chance to relive these scenes. I know everything that I do now, but my being is back there. I know everything that is going to happen, every turn, every movement. I know every facial expression of everyone around me, and I know just how these scenes end. Everything is the same, but different. I know what's next, but I can't do a thing about it. I have the knowledge, yet I feel so hopeless.

"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep,
and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist."

I try so hard, wanting a different outcome, but I can't force it, because I know this is all meant to be...

Some say, now suffer all the children
And walk away a savior
Or a madman and polluted
From gutter institutions
Don't you breathe for me
Undeserving of your sympathy
Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did
And through it all
How could you cry for me?
Cause I don't feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye

And sleep

The sprinklers are on, that one street light flickering. The warm September air hits my face.

Just sleep

I know what she's going to say, and I know what I'm going to do. The feelings are the same, but it's a different kind of huting, because...

The hardest part is letting go of your dreams

A drink for the horror that I'm in
For the good guys,and the bad guys
For the monsters that I've been
Three cheers for tyranny
Unapologetic apathy
Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again

And through it all
How could you cry for me?
Cause I don't feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep
Just sleep

The hardest part's the awful things that I've seen

"...Sometimes I see flames.
And sometimes I see people that I love dying and... it's always..."

And suddenly I'm no longer on that Sacramento street, but in a hospital room.

Just sleep

This scene terrifies me. My stomach instantly in knots. I hate it.

Just sleep

I hate it so much, that I wish I would wake up. I wish this would all just be over.

Just sleep

Because I already know the outcome,

Just sleep

no matter how much my heart hopes for something different.

Just sleep

I'll kick and scream, hoping for her to live. Hoping for a happy ending.

Just sleep

But deep down I know it's better this way.

Wake up

I'll sit there crying by her side, wanting a mistake,

Wake up

wanting the beeps to fill the room once again,

Wake up

wanting some sign of hope.

Wake up

All I can do is scream,

Wake up

And every time, like clockwork, it's the same ending. Not the endings that I once lived. Not the endings that I have come to expect. It's not her walking away, and it's not her in the bed, rather, it's me. It's me that has let go of my dreams, it's me that has walked away, it's me that has died. I wake up in a cold sweat every time, each time more surprising than the last. And it feels like hell, because no matter how much I try, I can't. I have to relive it, time and time again. I have to go through it, to the end...

"And I can't... I can't ever wake up..."

all I can do is sleep...