CHAPTER 6: no. 083 [cancer...]

"Cancer" by My Chemical Romance

I think the thing that scares me the most isn't death, but the side effects of it. I know that letting go is something that is ridiculously hard for me to do, but to have to put it on someone else, to have to leave them here, that's the hardest thing of all to have to deal with.

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

It's a terrifying thought, because this isn't the way things should be. Parents, hell, grandparents shouldn't have to bury their young. It's not the way it should work, but sometimes it's the harsh reality of life.

Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know

It scares me half to death just thinking it about it. I don't want to leave all of these people behind. I don't want them to see me that way. I don't want to become a distant memory. That scares the living hell out of me, because I can't let go, and I can't leave them all behind.

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)

I'm fine with being left behind, in fact, in a sad way I'm almost used to it. I can deal; I've had to. But I can't put that pain on someone else, because I know what it feels like, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. And that fact cripples me sometimes...

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you